Confusion
by Em Walters
Summary: The Ponderings of a Lovesick and confused Goth Girl


Title: Confusion  
Author: Em Walters  
Rating: G  
Summary: Our favorite brunette ponders over her feelings towards a younger guy, one of her dearest friends.  
Author's Notes: Okay, Em writes again. No, this isn't Trouble at Home, obviously, but I'm really going through some writer's block on that one. But I think everyone will like this story, and it's very dear to me, because I'm sorta like Catie (she's the narrator) on this one. So review, tell me what you think, and Trouble at Home (I promise) will be out soon.  
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Confusion.  
  
That's the only word to describe it. My thoughts, that's the only word to describe my thoughts. My mind is swimming with emotion, and I can't sort it into some kind of workable order. I can honestly say that I've never dealt with something like this before. I'm the 'strong' one. I can control my feelings. If I don't want to like a guy, I don't. Plain and simple.  
  
But this isn't so simple. What am I saying, I suppose nothing in my life is simple. NOOOO, I have to make everything complicated. Everything except my feelings about the opposite sex. That was always easy, the solution was; DON'T even BOTHER. Don't have feelings, and you won't be hurt. Don't like anyone, and you won't be let down. Don't give any part of your heart away, and you won't ever have to worry about trying to take that piece back. And I've seen it enough times, you can't take it back.   
  
Which is exactly why I'm in over my head.   
  
I've never felt this way before, I never let my emotions get the better of me. I always ignored the little voice inside of my head saying "He's hot, go flirt with him". So I've been 'protected'; in a way. And life's been good, and simple, at least when it came down to 'guys'. I made a huge deal and blew everything out of proportion, except for the 'guy' thing. I never have, and I thought I never will.   
  
Until now.  
  
And you know what's ridiculous? I would fall for the ONE guy that I shouldn't. The 'Best friend, like a brother' guy. And I'm not really sure if I've even 'fallen' for him. How do you even define that, anyway? Fallen, head over heels, infatuated? I don't really think that I'm that bad, but I could easily get there. PLUS, this ONE guy would be younger than me. He's a year younger, and we tell each other EVERYTHING. I know all of his crushes, he knows none of mine, considering the fact that I don't really have crushes. But I guess I do now. But do I really. Am I just sick of NOT liking guys, so I'm making this crush up. Or is it even a crush? I'm so confused. What is it about him.   
  
Heck, he knows everything about me. About my fights with my mom, he's read all of my stories, he even knows when something's bothering me. THAT'S a friend, if you ask me. And we spend so much time together, sitting together at lunch, hanging out, being friends.   
  
I remember what everyone said when we first met. Yes, we flirted, but it wasn't that obvious. EVERYONE thought we liked each other, but it never got that far. And at first I didn't like him. I just thought of him as a friend. When we were hanging out, we were friends. When we were talking on the phone, we were just friends. When he was going through a rough time, we were just friends. It was that simple, and I thought it'd stay like that forever.   
  
But the bond that's developed between us seems to be something more. We're more physical than with other friends. I mean, not in a sexual, nasty sort of way, but something different. More of a hugging, arms draped around each other's shoulders, touch his arm when we're talking sort of way. And   
emotionally, we're more than just friends. We have phone conversations that last for hours. We sing together, (his guitar playing abilities are phenomenal) and he's always there for me. No, I don't think our friendship is like the friendships I have with other guy friends, it's different.   
  
But what am I supposed to do? Tell him? No, I can't. It's not that I'm ashamed, but I'm confused. You see, I don't really know if I truly like him. I mean, I like him, but I don't know in what way. Friends, or something more?   
  
And another thing I noticed was that I don't feel like I have a crush on him. Like, of the few crushes I've sorta had, talking to the guy was excruciating. I would get so nervous, even if I just saw him across the room. But with him, I feel different. I feel relaxed, at ease. And I don't want that to change, I want to be relaxed around him, all the time.   
  
But for some reason I want to like him. I want to tell him how I feel, I want to tell him that I think we'd be perfect together, even though there's an age difference. I want to be able to look at him differently, I want to be able to call him my boyfriend.   
  
But I'm afraid.  
  
I'm afraid of this nagging voice in my head telling me to 'go for it'. And I'm afraid of the other nagging voice inside my head saying 'He doesn't like you. And even if you two did date, it'd only be because he wants a girlfriend, not because he really LIKES you.' Two voices, both different, but both have a good point.   
  
Should I go for it? I mean, I see other girls that he flirts with, and he's told me who he likes. But that WAS awhile ago, like, months ago. And he has been doing stuff differently lately. Like, inviting me places, hanging out more, telling me different stuff. Maybe there's a chance.  
  
Grrr, I'm turning into one of those girls who reads into things too much. I don't need to do this, it's not healthy, it's not NORMAL. Well, it's normal, heck, look at my best friend. She's a 'normal' teenage girl, and she acts like this all the time. But it's not normal to me, and I go back to the whole 'piece of my heart thing. I can't give him a piece, cause he'll never give it back. But he wouldn't even know that he had it, unless I confessed to him my feelings.   
  
Well, what should I do? I don't want to ruin my friendship with him, but I think he's amazing. I don't even want to start, so I'm not. But like I said, I'm so confused, and I'm new at this whole 'feelings for a boy' thing. And I randomly babble on and on about my confusion in hopes of coming to a conclusion of what would be the right thing to do, but now I'm even more torn about what to do than before. I don't think I can handle this much longer, what should I do?  
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Alright, what should Catie do? When you review the story (notice how I say when, not if) give Catie a little advice. Who knows, maybe I'll write a sequel.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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